D: Are you still awake, my dear?
V: I ammmm
D: What are you doing other than creeping me on FB?
V: Writing a post.
D: Other than that?
V: Watching cheer up music videos
V: Not so much cheer up as just energy, you know?
D: I don't know but okay. You feeling okay?
V: I will be! I will be!
D: I miss you too, my dear. I really do.
V: We were magicccccc
D: I'm glad at least one of us believes.
D: I do believe we were magic though.
V: D, believe!!
D: You know what I was doing till now, dancing at my aunt's place with the rest of my cousins to Bollywood songs.
D: You would've hated it. This is why I don't believe.
D: But amidst it all, I still kept checking my phone.
V: Fair enough D.
V: It is clear you do not belieeeeve
V: You've seen our starssss and there's nothing aligneedd
D: Vineeth, do you at least understand?
And so what song do I post here? Do I post the sweet cheesy k-pop song Park Cider (who I obviously have like, a permanent crush on) recommended that I was so surprised with liking? Do I post something about what I want to embody (a quote from the Cripple and His Talismans, or Carnival, or Cockroach, or Ecclesiastes)? Do I post something that cushions or cuts?
I choose the comfort we can find in things, electronics, distortion.
This was the first Metronomy song I heard on Deezer. Before they ever took me to the reservoir, to the bay, or to love letters. And after I got the albums and Deezer got shut down (similar to how Grooveshark got shut down recently, like you can't trust the cloud) I really didn't know if the song existed. And I lost it. And then a few months ago I found it again on Youtube. And I was like yayayay, this is special. I'm going to click the Like button so that I remember it and can come here again when I need to.
How old was I when I found this song? 13? 14? So far away from where I am now. Despite that, there is a comfort in this song that brought me comfort then that brings me comfort into that sticky thing that is undergraduatebriefunbelievableromanceBScPsychology heartbreak.
This is Another Me to Mother You by Metronomy.
I'd love to say I'm not holding on to anything and that I am beyond resenting the decisions people make, but that would be lying. I remember shit that happened to me in grade five that I was annoyed by, that I still get annoyed by when I think about it, so I'm not going to play enlightened because I'm not there yet as an individual, and I'm not on that level about anything that happens in my life.
Today I went to phodaubo with my friend and the broth was bad, the noodles were bad, the beef was bad and everything was bad. And you know what, I'm never going to phodaubo again. This isn't a metaphor for anything, I'm just saying I'll be feeling strongly about phodaubo forever (even though phodaubo is really a silly thing that doesn't matter to anything, like it's not even an ACTUAL THING, but they gave zero shits today, they really gave zero shits).
I think heartbreak is experienced differently for everyone. I don't know if people would slip in their distrust of reliance on 'the cloud' when going through something like this. I don't think most people would be sitting smiling smugly at a silly rushed post (that's supposed to be about heartbreak???) that they just wrote.
But man, I'm proud about what I'm able to make of it. That's me: the cool and its absence.
I FOUND YOU :D
Zealous mango hunter sent me a link to their zealous mango hunter blog and it is glorious and it is GOOD.
F: She said if the marks are lower than usual, she will adjust them.
V: Oh, that's good. (Can't trust them, but that's good)
F: Yea you can't trust them.
Being an adult is no different than being a bb.
And being a bb isn't as easy as it sounds.
"I want to know what made you like this, so defeatist. I've never met anyone like this....You're an existentialist...You're a nihilist."
Thinking about spiral as a noun only, and not as a verb, because as a verb it's just too powerful. The dangers of language. Comfort in submitting to thinking only in translucent frames because at the end of the day, I don't know the question I should be asking.
Levity, levity. What is levity? Lightness, comfort in ambiguity, laughing, temporary, gentle reminders to the self that it's a joke.
"I'm not telling you what my tattoo means because you'll make fun."
The Internet is beautiful. It makes me cry. Halcyon On and On just played, out of nowhere, on a random Nokia radio mix. It's what I needed.
I remember mp3 players started coming out when I was in grade four/five. I never owned one then but I remember thinking about how much joy it would give me to have one and sign out loud and have the music in my ears when I would walk to school and back. My affinity and wonder for these music devices has not faded.
Today was a long day. People disappointed. But here I am in the night, at 12:55, headphones plugged in, doors locked, dancing to Bombino's Amidinine. I am so happy I feel like crying. Thank you for music. Thank you for play. Thank you for mp3 players.
I refuse to believe that material objects cannot bring about happiness. Look at me, off to bed with a smile on my face because the joy this device offers me is such a departure from what the day's conversations provided.
"you better enjoy this time in your life as a useless young adult"
"and then what happens?"
"shit gets reals, unless you turn into one of those useless motherfuckers who just spend their whole life in uni"
It comes down to this.
It's why you are here.
Give us a smile.
Excerpt from Sang Froid by Sam Roberts
You're coming back as a bug
Hallucinations got you crying tears on an afghan rug
Hope of salvation, pray for victory
You were only nineteen, you have so much to be
And now you're suffering from PTSD
We were flushed with success
We were crushed by excess
We were standing at address
We were hoping for the best
We've been shining on the front lines
Burning in the sunshine
We've been dancing in the headlines
Standing on a land mine
Sang froid at the right time
Sang froid at the right time
[Sam Roberts the poet]
[Sang froid: coolness and composure, especially in trying circumstances.]
Matthew 27:3-5 New International Version (NIV)
3 When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders.
4 “I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.”
“What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.”
5 So Judas threw the money into the temple and left.
Then he went away and hanged himself.
Acts 1:18-19 New International Version (NIV)
18 With the payment he received for his wickedness, Judas bought a field; there he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out.
19 Everyone in Jerusalem heard about this, so they called that field in their language Akeldama, that is, Field of Blood.
"Figurative reconciliations of events include that the ‘falling prostrate’ was Judas in anguish, and the ‘bursting out of the bowels’ is pouring out emotion." (from his wiki article)
"Make sure to write 2015!"
I just went on my desktop (after the longest time) 2014 was open on it and I realized I never got back to you about it!
It was greaaat, I laughed (cross-dressing), sighed, and thought about some of the stuff
good job homieeeee"
Oh oh! Ow ow. Oh oh! Ow ow. Oh oh! Ow ow.
Happy Birthday shining sun, Pavam!!!!!!!+sadhanam, so blessed to have you in my life!
I love you so much.
I went to the moon a few days ago and came back today.
I went because the astronauts told me that everything from there looks beautiful and that when you're up there you forget about all the petty politics, and all the petty problems, and you see the Earth as one thing, and your heart will feel whole and pretty and you will feel like a child again.
I did see the Earth as one thing and that was kind of cool. But my heart did not feel whole and pretty. The nights were cold and lonely.
My ambivalence goes with me where I go. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes tragic. I don't think this makes me petty. My ambivalence has dimensions. If you look at my ambivalence in the right way, you will see a rabbit. If you look at it in the wrong way, you will see a man.
Yes, I am the moon.
What do you see when you look at me?
-April 5, 2015
"I just read your book, so late, I am sorry. It is really nice. I'm excited for what your future holds." said I.G.
-April 4, 2015
He relaxed into his seat and sipped his scotch. He focused on the tiny screen, which was buzzing with magnetic snow. All the screens blinked and then came alive.
Tears filled his eyes. He had never felt so happy in his life.
The screens went a dark, dark blue.
STRANGER THAN KINDNESS.
Moleskine Scans (???), Letters (December 7, 2015?)